Using De-Escalation As a Bystander
Sometimes being assertive as a bystander may make the problem worse. This can be especially true in situations where the level of conflict is high – where the situation is violent or may become violent. In these situations, you want to use de-escalation, a set of strategies for decreasing conflict, which in turn decreases the likelihood of violence.
What Causes Conflict to Escalate?
Conflict arises for many reasons, but escalation often happens in part because the aggressor feels threatened or unsafe in some way. In their mind, they have a need that is not being met, like safety, love, community, or support. To de-escalate, you have to be able to show compassion to the aggressor and present yourself as an ally to help them get what they need. Being confrontational or aggressive can make things escalate, while creating a sense of connectedness with the aggressor is more likely to reduce the chance of violence.
The Four Basic Steps to De-Escalation
There are four basic steps to de-escalation. The first step is to recognize situations that need de-escalating. When you identify an opportunity for de-escalation, the next step is to evaluate what's going on. Be sure to evaluate both the aggressor's actions and your own feelings. If you think you can effectively de-escalate, the next step is to decide on your course of action — how will you engage the aggressor to decrease the level of conflict and avert or avoid violence? Once you decide what to do, step four is to do it.
In addition to non-verbal communication technique for dealing with perpetrators, another technique to create a sense of connectedness with an aggressor involves verbal communication. Strong verbal de-escalation skills are rooted in empathetic listening before speaking.
Both verbal and non-verbal communications strategies can help you safely de-escalate conflict before it becomes violent, but remember that it’s okay to stop speaking with the aggressor and retreat if you think the de-escalation may not be working. It’s important to keep yourself safe.
Don’t make demands of them — instead, request or suggest a course of action. Use “I” statements, like “I want to help, can you tell me more?” or “we” statements, like, “why don’t we try sitting on this bench and talking for a while?” Don’t try to multitask while you listen to the agitated person — this will make it seem like you’re not listening at all. This might mean you need to delegate other tasks to another bystander, like trying to help the target get to a safer location.
First, avoid being judgmental, even if you disagree strongly with what the perpetrator is saying. To show you’re listening, re-state what they’re trying to tell you and ask for clarification if needed. Try to validate their feelings without agreeing with them by saying things like, “I can see why you feel that way,” or “I understand why you’re upset.” Avoid criticizing, lecturing, or making judgements about the aggressor or their situation.
Keeping Distance and Boundaries During De-Escalation
Before engaging in de-escalation, decide ahead of time what kinds of situations you are prepared to intervene in. Deciding ahead of time what your boundaries are and when you should disengage can help you avoid becoming agitated and escalating, rather than de-escalating, the conflict. For example, when engaging an aggressor, you want to be physically close enough that they can hear you but far enough away that you can't be touched. Try to stay just out the of arm's reach. Remember it is important and appropriate to prioritize your safety while working to de-escalate conflict.
Signs Of Escalating Conflict
Witnessing conflict can be stressful, especially if that conflict seems like it may become violent. Fortunately, de-escalation can effectively reduce conflict and prevent violence. But how can you recognize situations that might become violent? Here are a few signs:
Here are some myths to look out for:
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Speaking louder and louder
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Shouting or yelling
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Shoving, pushing, punching, slapping, kicking, etc.
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Aggressive use of slurs
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Aggressive invasion of personal space
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Pointing or waving weapons or sharp or heavy objects
Empowering employees to use De-Escalation Strategies
This chapter outlines the definition of de-escalation and when it is important to decrease conflict in a tense situation. It covers topics such as how to identify times that call for de-escalation, causes of escalation, and tactics for successful de-escalation. Appropriate de-escalation skills can help complement bystander intervention strategies, in order for employers to create a safer workplace environment for all employees.
Helping over 8,000+ organizations create a safer, more inclusive company culture.
EasyLlama’s online training course helps prepare employees to navigate bystander intervention. The course guide learners how to appropriately confront harassment, discrimination, and microaggressions in the workplace. The course covers:
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